phones...

wen i wrote that letter to Omar, i basically asked his friend to forward to him for me, but apparently he wouldnt accept. so.. jus as i now no. he doesnt wna remain friends.

life is hard

i really dont no how to juggle all this shit

trust

It’s funny the way life is
How some of us turn out to be
The way a thing has an effect on us
And change us so rapidly

Why does things have to happen
To make us see life clearly?
Why can’t we just keep dreaming,
And let us dream to be

Knowing the truth hurts
I wish my mind didn’t think
My ears couldn’t hear
My eyes couldn’t see or blink

Why was I brought to this world
To know the suffering of human
And the pain they go through
Born, I wish I was never
But here I am, with no choice, but to live

Dear Omar,

Since hearing your story about you writing letters, it has made me want to write one to you, rather then emailing or telling you over msn or phone. I’ve always enjoyed writing letters but jus never really had much time. Anyway… cut to the chase.

I know we’ve had our arguments and I’m sorry if I had done anything wrong. I’m jus a person who, if I’m waiting for someone for too long to reply or something I get impatient.

It’s true what people say about me, I’m weird. Sometimes I don’t know what it is that I myself wants from life. All my life I’ve been trying to be a perfect friend and daughter and I know I lost track of the real me. To be honest I jus don’t care, because knowing that I can make others happy, I will be truly happy myself. Im easy to deal with when I get pissed off, its either the person jus nicely backs out the conversation or doesn’t take it to the heart what I say cos at times, I get sick of pleasing what other want that I end up wanting attention of my own. In other words, this is complicated. So forgive me if u don’t understand a word I’m writing here.

I don’t know if Jenny has told you anything. But I basically have been kicked out of the trip to London for her and your birthday.
I have Sunday Mandarin courses and her 2nd cousin happens to be in my class. She asked if I was going n I told her how I wasn’t sure and in the end she convinced me to go. It got to the stage where I got talking about my life story. About how Jenny and I distanced… Jenny came online the night after, without a clue in my head I asked her: I and Afrooz were wondering if the theme didn’t have to all be pirates. Then she turned around and told me how she thought it was best I didn’t go. At first I thought she was joking. I asked y. she sed I had been slagging her and her best mates off behind her back. How the whole Moubeen thing she had forgiven and forgotten but I still bought it up to spread.

She deleted me off Facebook. ‘blocked’ in other words. I told her my last words, how I was sorry if I caused any problem how I didn’t meant for things to turn this way. I really didn’t think she would take it to heart. And promised her I will leave her alone for good for life.

I sat at my computer for 2hrs straight. And at this moment I still am sat here. 2.14am… these past couple of hours I asked myself: what have I done?

Why does all my plans have to ruin? I dreamt of the days where I was just an innocent virgin girl. Where I had a boyfriend who wasn’t just about sex and lies. The daughter who obeyed every rule and the friend who everyone could confide in, appreciate and rely on.

Sometimes I ask myself. If I hadn’t made all them mistakes in the past would I not be spending most my time away from home so I don’t have to be alone.

Jus to make things less awkward for Jenny I decided to delete Kim and Chris too. We never talked anyway so loosing them didn’t really matter. The thought of Jenny doing this to me, I really don’t know.

Then it hit me, Omar hasn’t texted me or come online for 2 days. Did Jenny tell you what happened between me and her? Did that put you off wanting to remain friends with me? I was given two chances to remain friends with her. But both times I blew it. I don’t know HOW but maybe me and Jenny can never be friends again.

Omar… writing letters to someone is so easy, I find it way better to speak my mind.

I don’t know, whether you want to remain friends. I don’t want to make things awkward for you and Jenny by talking to me. I really don’t know what to do cos I treasure u in my heart as a really good friend.

Omar, you were the next best thing that came into my life. You showed me laughter, fun time, trust and everything I could ask for in a guy. Im damn sure gonna miss you. I wont show it, but you’d know I’m missing ya.

And don’t wry, from this moment onwards, you will not hear from Sze Li. She has never existed in past and will not in you future. Thank you for all you done for me done far.

Take care and goodnight xx

(I’ts 2.38am and I spent over 2hrs tryna writing this letter. Damn its hard)

14-01-08

during my sunday mandaring language course, i got talking a friends cousin who happened to be in the same class as mine. i was telling her how me n her cousin, jenny, stopped getting along.

the next day, she comes on msn and tells me im not invited to her birthday to london anymore. tht i ad been slagging er n her best friends off. how she had forgotten the past tht happened between me n her n my ex that caused everything to happen. but i jus had to bring it up.

then i tried to take a good look at myself. what kinda person am i? how come jenny makes it out as though im not good in anyway? is this tru or wot? now i lost her as a friend agen...

bak in college tomo ive been given 2 weeks to catch up on the 4 assignments i had been behind on.. did i catch up? not even touched it let alone catch up ai ai aiiiiiii takes the piss. jus cant get my head round doing ma work so much for new year new start :S

my first ever boyfriend i had was when i turned 17. he was there for my birthday and its one of them usual typical stories. guy meets girl, they become best friends and over time they gradually fall for one another. sure, im chinese. having grown up in wythenshawe, the land of chavs. i found it very hard to find a guy. not tht i needed one. but u no... not even a cute guy to av a crush on. the majority of them were biggin themselves up at most times, and i hated tht, guys and girls who, all they did was smoke, sex and drink. i jus didnt see the joy of doing tht.

the majority of people from my college are asain, as in bungali's, pakistani's etc.. i study business and, co-incidently being the favoured subject of asains becos the course is 'EASY', i gathered a group of friends that were asains. they were nice ppl. and they made me open up to who i was. my first boyfriend was asain. his name was Moubeen Naru, yep.. its a girls name (for the asians lol) we was in the same english re-sit class in the first year. we never really talked. but once we did we got cracking and became the bestest buddies of all. we spent almost everyday tht I or HIM didnt av to work. i worked 3 days a week. so i pretty much spent 4 days a week with him after college. 8 months into the friendship after i turned 17 he told me he liked me, so we hooked up. gave it a shot. surely things didnt turn out as planned. they never do. he became distant from me as soon as we got together and it lead to the point tht questions were running through my head. y now? y this moment? eventually i couldnt put up with it i broke up with him.

we was ok being back to normal. but then he started becoming more friendly with other girls and i would start going clubbing for the first time, hence being heart broken and upset. hence i lost my virginity to him. it got to the stage where i would argue with him n things jus wasnt going rite. i started drinking and smoking and at tht moment i realised the pleasure young teenagers saw in doing all these shit. fair enough its not good for u, its useless and plus id get over it soon. but the pain he had caused me the drinking and smokin helped released the pain for a few hours if not more if only it meant making me feel tht incy wincy bit better. he left tht year and got to uni in salford, we lost contact. i hated the guts outta him for a year because he lied to me, he told me he was a virgin. he told me many things about himself that made me trust him but i realised every word that came outta his mouth for the first 8 months i knew him as a friend everything was lies.

a year later (late last year of october 2007) he messaged me on MSN: how are you? his email addy being his name i told him it was surprising to see he hadnt deleted my email addy considering i did. e told me how he saw my profile pictures, how i had changed. i admit, i made a better improvement on myself compared to last year. occasionally my friend and i would take any sorts of modeling pics of me jus for the fun of it. and it seems he liked them. he told me how he was sorry and how it was his birthday the following week after. he invited me out for a meal and cinema with him alone as to show his pleading of forgiveness. i accepted and every since we are still friends. its been about 4 months now, and everything is str8 forward. wenever im free and cant find anyone to chill wit, i call him. and he does the same to me. nothing more. jus friends who hook up to go movies every now and then wenever we are both co-incidently free. most times i would jus call him to drive me around here and there to help me do favours. ahhh the pleasure of using and abusing an ex that once fuked up my life.

i can be evil at times, jus depends how badly one messes with me.

today had been a bit boring i suppose... one of the most borin days of the year maybe. my brother went to hong kong for three weeks so i pretty much overworked in the past three weeks.

i work like 11.30am-11pm on mondays, tuesdays.
fridays i would work 11.30am-9pm. go to my mates house to sleep over. usually go clubbin or casino till 4am.
then saturdays are the worse, id wake up 7.30am, leave the house at 8.15am-ish. get to 'cancer research' at 9am and work till 1pm then catch the bus to chippy and work there till 11pm

lifes shit ey? but.... its life who told me to take tht job on at cancer researc? ahhh who was to say im born kind hearted lol anyway... i got so bored and depressed at home it led to the stage i jus took my lil cousin to nawaab to eat at the buffet. co-incidently i saw nobia, yasmin, ayesha and some other ppl there. happens to be yasmins 19th. i want even invited lol well... i dont rly no her well tbh so its all good i suppose. didnt get bak to the flipping house till 9.30pm. yh.. its still early but come on... england man, freezing cold. and propa dark. i mean, the sun setted at like 4.30pm! im like wtf?!

i tried staying home to do some assignments but jus couldnt get my head round it so told myself fuk it. came on msn n bare ppl started talking to me. first amena chattted on with herself. then i had that half iranian half english guy called nathan from college talking to me and inviting me out to the movies on sunday along with his friend alex and my friend maria. then on MSN he gave me a rose. i sent him a wittered one bac lol then he asked if i liked roses and i sed yh i totaly adore them. then he sed he'd get me some on sunday n signed out on MSN. later on maria told me how he like me n found me 'pretty' :S freaky ha? lol so im tryna avoid tht. then omar beg was not feeling so happy cos of his flu n Shit. but i cheered him up lol then my ex moubeen naru jus invited me to the movies to watch a film tomo. so... thts tht. anyway enuf chattin. its past 3.30am im losing sleep again lol nite peeps xxx